As I stepped onto the rusted yellow cart at Disney land, I could still smell the faint, acidic odor of vomit. Obviously, some just couldn’t hold it in. However I was to excited to be scared or disgusted. I had been waiting for an hour to get on and I wasn’t getting off because of puke. The man running the ride did the safety check list and then we were on our own. My hair was swept off my face as we picked up speed. At the top of the track we seemed to stop for barely a moment and then “voosh!” My hair whipped back and my stomach lurch. I was so scared I thought I would wet my pants. We started to slow down as we went up another hill but the pause was short live. I felt as I my stomach was about to be wrenched out of me. Everybody was screaming with excitement except for me.Far below me I could see all of the hundreds of people there and maybe even Mickey Mouse. Finally, the ride slowed down for good and we got of. The vomit smell came back and my mom, my dad and I hurried off before we also puked.
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2 comments:
I like your usage of onomatopoeia in your piece. I can clearly imagine and feel as though I was there to hear that sound. There are also several specific verbs such as 'wrenched' that add a lot of imagery to the piece. There are, however, some sentences that perhaps could have started differently to make the piece slightly more interesting in terms of variety.
Jeremiah this made me think of the first time when I rode roller coaster. The smell of vomit and acidic odor... I think smelled the same kind of odor when i first rode. And that actually scare us, isn't?
Well, the place that I liked in your writing is that you used the good description that shows us the picture. For example "I was so scared I thought I would wet my pants." This was a perfect expression. It showed how much you were scared.
Good Job Jeremiah!!
Nice writing!!
Yusuke
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